As the world braces for the 10-millionth confirmed case of Coronavirus, high-risk areas have found a glimmer of hope: The CDC has approved a remedy that reduces the risk of Covid-19 transmission by 79%. This remedy offers the potential to restore some of the progress made by months of isolation and self-quarantine, which have crippled the economy and tested the country’s collective willpower.
The medication, scientifically referred to as Wearing A Fucking Mask, works by engaging a thin layer of cloth over one’s mouth and nose, and that’s it. Multiple studies have examined the effectiveness of WAFM, including one from Britain which suggests that widespread use of masks could prevent future waves of Covid-19 from re-emerging in the future, potentially saving tens of thousands of lives. Still, residents of high-risk states have expressed concern over the slippery slope of government intervention.
“They want to throw God’s wonderful breathing system out the door,” stated a Palm Beach, Florida resident in an actual quote that I did not make up. Although the aforementioned studies concluded that God’s wonderful breathing system is the most common form of transmission of the virus, some concerned citizens feel that a mandate to wear masks represents unlawful government overreach.
“It is my Constitutional right to be a dumbass,” declared Bradley Chesnut, an El Paso, Texas contractor, in a surprising exhibition of self-awareness. As state officials scramble to understand why this kind of thing ever had to be mandated in the first place, resistance to big government has stunted the country’s ability to form a cohesive response to the pandemic. Frustrated citizens are now left wondering why the virus has largely dissipated from Europe and China — both of which were hit harder and much earlier — but continues to thrive in the United States.
As the global death toll from Covid-19 climbs over 500,000, some have also expressed concerns over the potential negative health consequences of WAFM. Karen Johnson, a Mesa, Arizona resident wearing an All Lives Matter T-shirt, explains, “The masks are so restrictive. I feel like I’m just breathing my own air.” Arizona health officials, who emphasized that that’s the fucking point, directed demonstrators to guidance from the CDC and WHO which suggest that there is absolutely no conceivable way that WAFM could be a health hazard. Nonetheless, the cultural phenomenon of anti-mask movements remain a formidable force.
The spread of Covid-19, a deadly respiratory infection which causes severe lung inflammation, can be prevented by WAFM, but many voluntarily refuse to do so because they claim that masks impede their ability to breathe. “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe,” mocked Scottsdale City Councilman Guy Phillips, who was met with uproarious and backhandedly racist applause from constituents. The politicization of masks have pitted the CDC, WHO, and the entire scientific community against the GOP’s anti-mask caucus, a real thing that exists, leaving the country unsure who to trust during an outbreak of a global pandemic.
Both sides of the aisle have at least acknowledged the bleak reality of the skyrocketing death toll and the United States’ failure in responding to the crisis. One can only hope that in lieu of any cohesive federal leadership, Americans can find some way to rally behind one another in a bid to restore the health and normalcy which we all so desperately yearn for.
James Huesing 